When George Bush was in office, the State Of The Union was fun to watch for a number of reasons.  The first was that it allowed viewers all of the benefits of getting to see Dick Cheney's disgusting face and trademark grimace on national television for more than an hour without having to listen to any of his misplaced smugness or other bullshit.  It was also fun because it was an opportunity to see George Bush’s cognitive shortcomings in stark relief, such as when he tried to say polysyllabic words or when he used his patented "say something and then say "in other words" and then say almost exactly what you just said" rhetorical construction.    

What I love most, though, is that it is predictable.  It is predictable in that it is always split into three sections; the section that explains whatever the biggest issue of the day is, along with some reasons why it is either worse, or not as bad as the general public thinks, the section where the president introduces bold and seemingly ridiculous/irrelevant policy suggestions, and lastly, the section where the president yells a series of one-off pronouncements about things that excite his party.  

For Bush, the first section was all about war, the fact that we were attacked on 9/11, and how incredibly dangerous the world was, and how Jesus, or God, or someone had come down from the mountain and told him that he was to bestow freedom upon every person on the earth, as long as they weren't gay. The second section, contained his push for the colonization of Mars and immediate creation of hydrogen sport utility vehicles, and the last bit contained about a dozen or so references to how government should have a limited role, specifically the role of writing checks to private companies to do all of the work the government would otherwise do and lots of other work and non-work that the government hadn't done before.   

The minute Barack Obama was elected I started thinking about how cool it would be to hear him give a State Of The Union, mostly because of his “slow-lightning fast-slow” cadence but also because I knew it would be a rare chance to simultaneously have Joe Biden in front of the camera, and an absolute guarantee he wouldn't say anything that would make me want to hit him with a tire iron.   

In keeping with the formula, the first twenty minutes of tonight’s speech were devoted to jobs, specifically, their creation.  According to the President, the road to full employment is paved with $4,000 tax credits for small business, moderately harsh language directed at financial institutions, and an end to the partisanship and bickering that, along with no term limits and the fact that PACs and corporations can get weasely senators such as Joe Lieberman to do anything, have stifled progress.  

The latter half of the first section was devoted to health care, and included the president’s charming, self-deprecating and persuasive plea to his colleagues to continue the conversation, and his direct acknowledgement that he is “partially” to blame for the fact that most Americans don’t understand the nature of his proposed reforms.  One imagines that some other part of the blame known as  “all of the rest of the blame” could be placed upon Harry Reid, who, despite having an unprecedented bullet-proof majority, managed not only to be bossed around by a Senator from Nebraska, but also reached new heights of ham-handedness when he managed to disrupt his own pathetic progress on the matter by getting to spend an entire week trying to explain why he used the word “negro” in relation to the president in a year that was not between the years of 1860 and 1940.

In the “bizarre suggestion” phase, Obama did not disappoint, suggesting a three-year freeze on spending, beginning in one year, on everything  except for defense spending, health care, social security, social programs, programs for the blind, poor, elderly or pets or stimulus plans, or basketball courts in the White House.  Judging from ovation from the badly-dressed Republican delegation this proposal will be met with more support than his other suggestion, a way to change student loans that either makes them free, or partially free, or eventually free.    

Stage three was also by the book and contained requisite shout outs for the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell, childhood obesity and immigration which would have seemed important if they hadn’t been totally overshadowed by the presidents’ amazing interaction with his wife that confirms two things 1) the president and his wife do have sex 2) they will not be having sex tonight.   

It’s a new day America.  Sure we’re still fighting two stupid wars and pretending that the middle class still exists, but for the first time in at least thirty years, the guy in charge is certifiably cool.   

*due to today's early publication, there will be no publication on Sunday - the next column will appear Wednesday 2/3